Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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