Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
