thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
