we were pretty classy up until the second keg
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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