I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
