she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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