Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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