My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
