Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
