God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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