I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
