just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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