You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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