If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
