My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
