Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
