oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
