Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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