How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I'm jealous of your bromance
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
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