So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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