As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
and you fell through a lawn chair
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
