Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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