i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
