The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
