Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
