it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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