I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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