Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
