I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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