Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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