she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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