Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
