Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
