he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
