He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
