i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
