If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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