the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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