Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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