He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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