it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
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my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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