Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
as a side note pls kill me
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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