I'm pants shitting drunk right now
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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