So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
