i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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