I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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