There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
