Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
