Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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