I look better un-naked...
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
