i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
where are you?
Hypothermia
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
