Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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