you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
