Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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