turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Randomize
