I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
