I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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