Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
