I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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