It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
you never un-have a 4some
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
