But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
