My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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