You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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