Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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