so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
