i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
