I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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