Too much gin, very little bucket
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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